CDC Announces New Virus sweeping the Nation
Atlanta, GA - The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, GA confirmed today the presence of yet another dangerous viral infection. The newly discovered virus has been tentatively dubbed Aerodyne Fever pending results of intensive tests currently in progress. It has been reported that the symptoms of the infection are quite similar to influenza. Victims report a vague sense of wistful urgency along with a morbid fascination with weather conditions. According to preliminary reports, those affected experience symptoms of a high fever with no increase in body temperature shortly after exposure to the virus. They are often found, apparently transfixed, staring intently at the horizon, mumbling strange, unintelligible incantations as if engaged in conversation with an invisible being. Although the virus is definitely airborne, there is strong evidence of infection by personal contact. Carriers may be found at public parks, schoolyards or on any open ground where wind velocity measures between 5 and 25 miles per hour. Research scientists are advising the public to exercise extreme caution when approaching any individual who is engaged in flying an aerodyne of any description and to avoid any invitation to participate in handling or manipulating said aerodyne.
The condition was first observed during the early 1980's but infections were isolated and thought to be restricted to coastal areas. However, the arrival of the 90's brought widespread outbreaks across the USA. Physicians have reported patient complaints including pale circles surrounding both eyes with evidence of tanning or burning of the lower cheeks and the interior neck area, a chronic neck pain which intensifies with elevation of the chin, elongated upper extremities, and an inexplicable excess of sand particles in all body crevices. The advanced stages include aimless pacing before windows, a preoccupation with flags and treetops, the insatiable desire to watch the Weather Channel and an urgent need to purchase oddly shaped pieces of nylon material. Days characterized by winds exceeding 12 miles per hour seem to draw crowds of infected parties to large open areas where many aerodynes are released into the skies, there to remain as long as prevailing winds permit. Symptoms occasionally subside for short time periods following these highly infectious events, only to reappear six to seven days later with greater intensity. Carriers periodically gather en masse at coastal sites where intense competitions are held to determine which of the victims is most critically affected. To date, no cure has been identified and none is anticipated. This is due to the fact that all researchers have contracted the virus and are refusing assistance of any kind.
-submitted by Charles Stonestreet